Wonderfully Embarrassing Moments In My Life

My mom and I were wandering around a few stores one day shopping and talking, just being mother and daughter for a day instead of at each other’s throats about the little things. Somehow we got onto the amount of times I’ve either been hurt or just made a fool out of myself when I was little. She of course thought these times were cute whereas I just shook my head and walked away. There are always four that stand out the most, that I still end up getting reminded of at least once a year.

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Another Poem

A poem I have no where it came from, I mean I don’t remember what caused me to write it. Having never been in love but I like it for some reason.

You hate that I won’t try
To agree or compromise
Even the most shy
See through your disguise
This love is not true
Though in my heart
I know I love you
But I will ignore this feeling
Even when I’m floating on the ceiling
I’d rather break my heart
Than have you tear it apart
Please don’t try to understand why
Because there’ll be no truth, only a lie.

Werther Memories

When I was little, I thought I was so sneaky taking piece of candy after piece from an emerald-green bowl my grandparents had in the basement of their house. It was always Werther’s Original. They never put anything else in that bowl. I would be sitting downstairs watching television, MacGyver and cartoons mostly, and there on the top of their old television, that emerald bowl with candy would be calling my name. I’d never think that they would notice it being almost empty by the time I left and I’d never put my wrappers in the garbage. They would know I had eaten the candy then; no I had to stuff them in the sides of the chairs. Thought I was so sneaky, would never be caught.

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Serenity

It`s been a long time since I just sat outside on the grass and just listened and felt anything. I can now see why living in the country has its appeal. Beautiful baby blue sky with its fluffy cotton ball clouds.

I never got to just look at the sky and see what creatures I could see in the clouds. I never took the time. Hearing the wind blow through the trees and the birds singing their happy little songs…All I wanted to do was just lay there and listen, actually listen to the sounds.

Then just looking at the trees and grass, fields and houses. So many beautiful, wondrous things around us. It started to remind me of a painting. The entire world, the entire cosmos is just one giant painting in progress. Ever changing and getting more beautiful so long as we stop to look at it. What is a painting without its viewers? Canvas, paint, a little charcoal, and someone`s vision. But if you stop and really see it, your outlook can change in an instant.

Today we are all moving so fast to get somewhere, do something, be someone that we forget to just sit back, relax, and listen and take a good look around us. We miss that little things that makes life worth living and get stuck on fighting with each other.

The House

I pretty much crapped out at the end of this story. It was actually several different posts but I’m just going to make it one on here. I’ve been tempted for a few years to actually go back and finish it in a better way but whatever muse I had at that time has fled in despair. Read at your own risk.

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bored….

Who is your Stargate SG-1 or Atlantis Lover? (for girls) by GloomyEyes
Username
Age
Gender FemaleMale
Jack O'neill
76%
Daniel Jackson
61%
Teal'c
54%
John Shepperd
62%
Rodney Makay
59%
Carson Beckett
80%
Aden Ford
57%
Your love is… by ChibiMarronchan
Your name is…
Your kiss is… mysterious
Your hugs are… to die for
Your eyes… burn into my heart
Your touch is… the only thing I desire
Your smell is… amazing
Your smile is… hypnotising
Your love is… one of a kind

Been a while…

I swear I’m addicted to these things.

Stargate Bedroom Twister by tayryn
Username
Playing with… Daniel Jackson
Your right hand is… over their eyes.
While their left hand is… on your chest.
Your lips are… on their lips.
And their lips are… kissing your ass.
When all is done… you giggle madly because every touch tickles.

I need to get a life, well a better one than I currently have.

Hmmm…

Nothing really to talk about, just bored. Listening to Helena by My Chemical Romance…I love this song. Yeah, in one of those moods again, not sure what to do about things….anything anymore. Huh, I just got the weirdest thought in my head. I was wondering why I don’t have dreams about being stuck on an island, or my mermaid dreams…pretty much any really big dream about water. I used to have them all the time but now…I haven’t had one in a really, really long time. I would also have dreams about trekking through the woods in search of something but I know I never found it. I know it’s not something anyone wants to hear about but I tend to look at my dreams for ideas about anything in my life. Sounds stupid, I know but it helps…a lot, not sure why but it does. Anyway back to my not sure thing. My mother…what a piece of work she is. She tells my brother that all I have to do is tell her what I want and then go for it. I want to go to Canada with her and my dad…but then she tells me not to withdraw from school just in case I change my mind. Thanks for confusing me even more. I don’t want to go to college where I’m at anymore. I hate…HATE it here. it’s not for me but she wont get that through her head. I don’t want to be here. I mean I understand that something could happen to my dad and then we wouldn’t go to Canada but I don’t want to go to school here anymore. But I also don’t know where I want to go instead…I can’t handle this, it’s too much. I know others may think I’m nuts or a wuss/wimp/cry baby/whatever…I don’t care what they think. I can’t do this. I’m too weak. I don’t know what to do. I mean my brother said that if there was something that I wanted to do all I had to do was map it out about why and how I’d get there…But I don’t even know where to start with that. I want to go to Dallas…don’t I? I don’t know now.

Why is it that other people seem to know where they are going or look like they have no problem deciding, yet I’m the one who can’t figure it out. I’m so stuck, it’s really frustrating. Maybe I’m just not looking hard enough or they hide it well, better than me anyway. Maybe it’s because they seem to have a good solid pack of friends around them to help with this sort of stuff, not just family to talk to. Do I? No…I’m all alone here. I hate being alone..I hate it!! God, I can be in a room full of people and yet be so alone. Both of my Prom’s were proof of that. I went with friends both times. No date, no big deal. Junior Prom was better in the fact that My friend stayed with me most of the time. But then Senior Prom…sucked so much. Then Graduation…the ceremony was cool. My party though…Just my immediate family and one close friend and his family. That was it. Why am I the one that people seem to run away from??? My sister had our grandparents, 2 Aunts, an Uncle and then our three cousins and a few of her friends were there too. My brother had the same then his girlfriend was there too. I was the one they skipped out on. I was the one that those same cousins would always ask if I was going to our grandparents and would only go when I would be there. Why weren’t they there for me then??? I should be happy that those friends showed up but I guess I just have abandonment issues with my family. I mean it’s not like they ever really abandoned me but for some reason my heart keeps thinking that. My head believes my heart too. God I hate this, I hate feeling like this. I wish it would go away. I wish I had someone to talk to other than my family. I feel like a failure when ever I break down like this around them. I feel like I’m hurting them and I don’t want to, but I can’t help it. Next thursday is my last day that I get to see a counselor…after that, I have no clue. God I wish Amanda was here. I could talk to her about anything. I have no one to talk to now that won’t go and blab to my mother. I just want someone to talk to that won’t go run to her. I thought I had that with my brother, or even my sister…but nope. they don’t get it. I mean I have internet friends but it’s not the same. I need someone here…physically. I don’t know. I think I’m just driving myself crazy. Wouldn’t be myself if I didn’t try to do that every once and a while.

That’s it…I’m done with all this self pity bullshit. It’s going to put me into a loony bin or drive me to the brink. I’m not going to let it get to me anymore. Fuck all those things running through my head. I can beat them. I WILL beat them, no matter what it takes, or how long. I won’t let it stop me. I can do this, I just have to set my mind to it and actually follow through this time. No more just imagining it…DO IT!! And then my favorite three sentences, that funny enough came from a dream:

Never give up. Never let go. Never give in.
Never give up. Never let go. Never give in.
Never give up. Never let go. Never give in. Once more…
Never give up. Never let go. Never give in….*deep breath*

Depressed again….

Once again I am depressed, why you ask? Well that would be because I have just failed another class. My speech class from last semester, I had it extended over to this semester and just found out that I went over the deadline…There was a deadline other than the end of the semester??? Uh, Why did I not know about this? Who agreed on this? Wasn’t me, I know that much! So, this semester is in the crapper…Failed that class and am more than likely going to fail two other classes. My Art class I’ll have no problem with. History and Earth Science…uh…I’m screwed. My parents are going to go wacko…and I’ll be living with them this next year…I’m royally screwed. Maybe I should just go nuts and get myself stuck in a looney bin. Would be easier that way I think. Yeah, I’m definately loosing my mind if I think that would be better. I’m fucked…that’s all there is to it.

thinking about things….

Ever had a song that just sticks with you throughout the day even though it is way too mushy for your tastes…I’ve had one like that stuck in my head all day. The song in this case is “I Love You Always Forever” by Donna Lewis. No reason for it to be there, it just is. I can’t get it out!! I mean I love the song but having it roaming around when I’m trying to study or pay attention in a lecture, it just made it really really difficult. Then as soon as I thought I evaded it it popped right back in…or was joined by Avril Lavigne’s “He Wasn’t.” Haveing both of those going through my head at the exact same time was…odd, to say the least. I mean it was like going from being really pissed at someone to being all lovey dovy in 1.5 seconds. Talk about flipping the switch on my moods. Pissed, Lovey, Pissed, Lovey…There is only so much of that, that I can handle!! Thankfully I have eliminated both songs from my mind…That process involved a nice few hours of Stargate (Daniel oriented episodes) and then plastering my mind with Rob Zombie and Drowning Pool…nice way to even it out I think.

Ok maybe I am loosing my mind…

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