Hmmm…

Nothing really to talk about, just bored. Listening to Helena by My Chemical Romance…I love this song. Yeah, in one of those moods again, not sure what to do about things….anything anymore. Huh, I just got the weirdest thought in my head. I was wondering why I don’t have dreams about being stuck on an island, or my mermaid dreams…pretty much any really big dream about water. I used to have them all the time but now…I haven’t had one in a really, really long time. I would also have dreams about trekking through the woods in search of something but I know I never found it. I know it’s not something anyone wants to hear about but I tend to look at my dreams for ideas about anything in my life. Sounds stupid, I know but it helps…a lot, not sure why but it does. Anyway back to my not sure thing. My mother…what a piece of work she is. She tells my brother that all I have to do is tell her what I want and then go for it. I want to go to Canada with her and my dad…but then she tells me not to withdraw from school just in case I change my mind. Thanks for confusing me even more. I don’t want to go to college where I’m at anymore. I hate…HATE it here. it’s not for me but she wont get that through her head. I don’t want to be here. I mean I understand that something could happen to my dad and then we wouldn’t go to Canada but I don’t want to go to school here anymore. But I also don’t know where I want to go instead…I can’t handle this, it’s too much. I know others may think I’m nuts or a wuss/wimp/cry baby/whatever…I don’t care what they think. I can’t do this. I’m too weak. I don’t know what to do. I mean my brother said that if there was something that I wanted to do all I had to do was map it out about why and how I’d get there…But I don’t even know where to start with that. I want to go to Dallas…don’t I? I don’t know now.

Why is it that other people seem to know where they are going or look like they have no problem deciding, yet I’m the one who can’t figure it out. I’m so stuck, it’s really frustrating. Maybe I’m just not looking hard enough or they hide it well, better than me anyway. Maybe it’s because they seem to have a good solid pack of friends around them to help with this sort of stuff, not just family to talk to. Do I? No…I’m all alone here. I hate being alone..I hate it!! God, I can be in a room full of people and yet be so alone. Both of my Prom’s were proof of that. I went with friends both times. No date, no big deal. Junior Prom was better in the fact that My friend stayed with me most of the time. But then Senior Prom…sucked so much. Then Graduation…the ceremony was cool. My party though…Just my immediate family and one close friend and his family. That was it. Why am I the one that people seem to run away from??? My sister had our grandparents, 2 Aunts, an Uncle and then our three cousins and a few of her friends were there too. My brother had the same then his girlfriend was there too. I was the one they skipped out on. I was the one that those same cousins would always ask if I was going to our grandparents and would only go when I would be there. Why weren’t they there for me then??? I should be happy that those friends showed up but I guess I just have abandonment issues with my family. I mean it’s not like they ever really abandoned me but for some reason my heart keeps thinking that. My head believes my heart too. God I hate this, I hate feeling like this. I wish it would go away. I wish I had someone to talk to other than my family. I feel like a failure when ever I break down like this around them. I feel like I’m hurting them and I don’t want to, but I can’t help it. Next thursday is my last day that I get to see a counselor…after that, I have no clue. God I wish Amanda was here. I could talk to her about anything. I have no one to talk to now that won’t go and blab to my mother. I just want someone to talk to that won’t go run to her. I thought I had that with my brother, or even my sister…but nope. they don’t get it. I mean I have internet friends but it’s not the same. I need someone here…physically. I don’t know. I think I’m just driving myself crazy. Wouldn’t be myself if I didn’t try to do that every once and a while.

That’s it…I’m done with all this self pity bullshit. It’s going to put me into a loony bin or drive me to the brink. I’m not going to let it get to me anymore. Fuck all those things running through my head. I can beat them. I WILL beat them, no matter what it takes, or how long. I won’t let it stop me. I can do this, I just have to set my mind to it and actually follow through this time. No more just imagining it…DO IT!! And then my favorite three sentences, that funny enough came from a dream:

Never give up. Never let go. Never give in.
Never give up. Never let go. Never give in.
Never give up. Never let go. Never give in. Once more…
Never give up. Never let go. Never give in….*deep breath*

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